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| San says, "I understand more now".
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Terrance R. Trites
Email: trt@etgrafx1.com
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| I Understand so much more now... |
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I was in the middle of it at the time, and like so many women, suffering in silence because of the tremendous feeling of shame, embarrassment ... So I kept quiet.
I was never entirely sure why I stayed. Like so many women, I thought I must be sick, stupid, pathetic ... I knew I was too weak, but I thought that was my fault, a failing on my part. So many feelings, so many varied emotions, so much FEAR .
At the worst time, I thought I was losing my hold on my sanity. I felt like I had fallen over the edge of the cliff and was just hanging on to a weak branch that could break at any time - I was so scared !!
I couldn’t afford to lose it because of my kids. My “ex” was away at the time (after I had had him arrested, for which I subsequently felt terrible) and I finally contacted the women’s refuge - someone to talk to finally!!!
Then it felt like a hand reached out and helped me, slowly, back over the edge where I lay for a long time catching my breath and regaining some strength before I was able to take a few steps away from the cliff’s edge.
I don’t quite feel far enough away from it yet, but I’m strong, and I’m moving in the right direction now and I know I’ll never be there again !!!!!!!
I know how important it is for women to come to realize that they are not going mad. They are not stupid for staying. There are so many reasons why women stay:
We want to believe that this time they really will change
Everything is going to be different now.
Maybe we have become so low, emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically, we just don’t know how to escape - and we are just plain scared.
Snapshots of My Experience
Sunday 11th Oct ‘98
2.45pm sitting in bed
house in disarray
heart and mind about the same !!
A is still here - perhaps more astoundingly so is baby!
I have endured - and indeed continue to endure - so much hurt and anguish throughout these months.
I have no idea where the strength comes from or how the baby keeps thriving - as he would appear to be determined to hang on and enter this world, I can only hope and pray that he is indeed fit and healthy when he makes his appearance.
All I can do - and had you been some kind of secret and invisible observer of my life these past months then you would certainly appreciate that seemingly defeatest statement - is wait and watch as things unfold. Of course, certain plans can and must be laid, but the fulfilment of any such is but a somewhat tenuous hope. My heart remains filled to overflowing with love despite the batterings it continually withstands - and I am sure that my propensity for showing/giving/sharing this love shall never wane - however I do ache to receive but a fraction of such love from the man in my life!
The sun is shining outside the bedroom window, which is beautiful, and indeed, I am warmed and comforted and somewhat lifted by it, but still I feel an aching in my soul - TLC, that would be wonderful - a hug, a few gentle, kind words, would be oh so healing!
What I must do though, is steel myself once more and get on with the cleaning, letters which must be written, and then I shall immerse myself once more in Dickens (Tale of 2 Cities)
Tues 30th Oct 2001
My daughter came to stay last week - for half-term. As usual, it was great to see her. She is a lovely, vibrant teenager - full of confidence and enthusiasm. I thoroughly enjoyed her company and began to feel a little more alive myself. As the days passed, I began to wonder if there wasn’t a time when I too had known such confidence and enthusiasm. When and how had I lost that? I began to think about my life, my situation, a bit more carefully. What is certain is that I need to make changes - no amount of wishful thinking, hoping and dreaming is going to bring about an end to the abuse that I live with. My relationship with A began about 4 ½ years ago. We have a precious little boy who will be 3 on the 26th Dec. A claims to love us both dearly. A is an abusive alcoholic. He went out this morning to see his alcoholic counsellor - phoned at 9 pm ‘Hello, I’m in a pub getting drunk, how are you ?’ Told him to go away, I’ve had enough, can’t take any more, don’t come back this time.
Can I see it through this time? What if I do? What if I don’t? Can I regain what I lost so long ago? Can I know once more confidence and enthusiasm? Can I make a better life for myself and my children? Can I recapture the spirit of the girl I once knew? I think I just might, with a little help from my friends.
Well, I didn’t, not at that time.
I understand so much more now.
I was lying in bed one night the other week, struggling to sleep, and it finally hit me. It’s about “expectations” !
Abuse + abuse + abuse = lack of confidence and self-esteem - then finally one comes to see and BELIEVE that one is worth more, one does NOT deserve this shit (sorry) etc - but still one can’t seem to CHANGE it !! Now I know why - it’s because we get to EXPECT the shit (and again) - we may KNOW we deserve better, and LONG for better treatment, but we’re so used to the (you know) we don’t EXPECT any better.
(In an exchange about forgiveness, as I myself reflect on forgiveness and a story of Jesus forgiving a paralyzed man, San said…)
Forgiveness. Kinda like being able to stand up for someone else who’s being badly treated but not being able to stand up for yourself. Not valuing oneself highly enough, or not believing in oneself enough. It is a 'paralysis', as it holds one back.
Seems to be one of the hardest lessons to learn. I found I became ultra-sensitive to my 'failings' and would feel terribly bad if I shouted at the kids, 'hated' (I'm not really capable of hating anyone, but there were moments when I thought "I hate you") my husband, and then I might not pray because I thought He must be fed up with me saying sorry for the same thing, then going ahead and doing it again ! Now I know I'm doing the best I'm capable of at any given time and I know that if I mess up, it was never intentional - that it's not possible for us to live a 'perfect' life.
What we can do is to love and respect LIFE, ours, those around us.
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